People Pleasing

People pleasers live by a set of unspoken rules:

• Don’t be selfish
• Don’t rock the boat
• Don’t make anyone angry
• Don’t stand out or have an opinion
• Above all else – be kind and take care of people

Where’s the joy in that?!

So what happens when we live by these rules?

Anxiety

• Living in a constant state of go-go-go, do-it-all-myself mode
• Pressure to keep up with everyone’s needs and issues
• Overwhelm due to overscheduling

Depression

• Feeling lost – not knowing yourself and what’s right for you
• Powerless to change and afraid you’ll be alone if you stop pleasing
• Burdened by carrying the emotional weight of other’s problems – and feeling overly responsible for unburdening them

Anger

• Silent resentment that keeps stacking up inside
• Increased irritability thats only shared with people who are “safe”
• Avoidance of people – ignoring texts, calls, etc
• Road rage and other ways your anger comes out sideways

Holding all that in makes our physical bodies feel awful:

• Insomnia, restless sleeping or waking up exhausted
• Increased eating, drinking or other “addictive behaviors” to escape
• Digestive issues
• Muscle tension and headaches

This list is not my favorite thing to read.

The truth is
the accumulation of caring for others
takes a toll on us.

And that accumulation makes our
head, heart and gut literally hurt.

People pleasing and perfectionism are automatic for so many of us.

I used to say “yes” and volunteer for stuff without a second thought.

It made me feel like I didn’t have any control over my own behavior
and that was scary and frustrating.

As pleasers our early experiences train us to focus on what others need.
To make sure everyone is taken care of all the time.

We “handle” things and cheerlead our friends
while we silently struggle to manage our own lives.

Our relationships aren’t reciprocal. That’s disappointing and just plain sad.

All this holding it in we are doing,
just to preserve the relationship,
and maintain the image of being a “good” person…
its really weighing us down.

Connection.

We place a high value on CONNECTION.

Why is this so important you might ask?

Because we missed out on early feelings of connection where we got to experience being seen and heard and valued. Not to mention cared for.

And we decided that if we created any kind of break in connection with others
we would be alone again.

We are very smart emotional beings.
I am constantly impressed at how we managed to make sure
we earned a place in relationships and felt important to others.

But not getting the care we needed as kids, we learned to suck it up
and say we were “fine”. We learned to be self-sufficient and independent.
And we learned to take care of our caregivers because that was one way of being…
yep, you guessed it – CONNECTED.

The desire to be there for people is admirable, but we can find ourselves rescuing and enabling people instead of truly caring for them.

We often act like other people’s parent or therapist!

Just ask yourself if you’re in relationships with friends or loved ones
who have addictive behaviors.
Yep. It happens to a lot us.

It’s a struggle to live our lives navigating around others.
And frankly – it’s just a bummer.

Even though we’ve had to function in relationships
by adapting and adjusting to other’s needs…
I’m going to help you put the breaks on that nonsense.

OMG you are so much more interesting than this!

Nothing good comes from you playing it
safe and small and silent.

And because you have scrolled down this far, I want to tell you something.

You can walk yourself out of this pattern.
WITHOUT freaking yourself out while doing it.

I will teach you how.

I know you would like to change the automatic pattern of saying “yes”.

I know you would like to stop signing up for countless commitments. 

I know you are tired of always having to be
“on” and “kind” and “helpful”.  

How do I know? Because I am recovering from people pleasing myself.

And I LOVE working with clients who want to experience the relief of having “no” be a complete sentence. (My first “NO” blog here!)

Here’s how Counseling and Coaching for people pleasing can help:

You can move from scrambling to prove you are a “good” person to recognizing your worth, setting boundaries and letting “I’m sorry, I can’t” be enough.

You can move from allowing fear, obligation and guilt drive your decisions, to confidently making choices based on your values and needs.

You can move from letting things slide, “Oh, that’s okay, its fine” to telling the truth without worrying you’re hurting someone’s feelings.

Hey, I know this is a lot of information. If you’ve gotten to this point I am guessing you’re ready for a change.

Usually by the time a pleaser reaches out they are tired AF.

We are worn out because we aren’t being real with people.

We are depleted because our relationships aren’t satisfying

And we can’t imagine how it could be any different.